Going through old memories is not for the weak. As I got met with the “low storage” notification for the tenth time this week, I took it upon myself to go through my files, screenshots, and applications. I constantly download things for the blog, share screenshots and clip moments of my games for my friends and social media.
I expected to:
- get more space on my computer
- delete things I didn’t need anymore
I did not expect to:
- feel emotional
- feel attached to certain images
- feel sad about some of my old memories
- reflect on my past few years of playing on this computer
Deleting things is tough
Our lives are plagued with the idea that we are constantly missing out. There are constantly new things to do and people to meet and people we grow apart from and games we used to love that we learn to hate. It seems silly on a surface level but to a lot of us who dedicate our heart and soul to these games, the memories we make matter.
Not only do the memories we make matter, but games can hurt. From emotional solo player games to competitive team-based games, feelings get involved whether you like it or not.
I am sick of the idea that not caring is cool.
I am not ashamed to say I’ve cried over games. Multiple games. Multiple times. I’ve cried happy tears for achieving things I never thought I would while also being devastated by own performance feeling helpless, lost, and alone. I’ve had solo games touch my heart, heal me with a story I can relate to, while also reminding me of memories I’d rather forget.
As I was going through all kinds of files on my computer I was met with screenshots of a rank I may never achieve again. Images from scrims that I saved from teams I’ll never play on again. Images of duos and five stacks of people I may never play with again. Images from the peak of my favorite games that may never be like that again. Videos of me streaming successful and generating content: a dream that I let die. A dream I don’t think I’ll ever achieve. A dream I wish I worked harder at.
I wonder now that I’ve sifted through what’s important to me and what is not will I remember any of these things a year from now? Will I remember the games, the people, the players, the teams, the videos, the clips, the moments? Will I remember how it all made me feel? The times I got through playing these games? Will I remember my short lived friendships? Will I work harder? Will I quit?
I don’t know.
Going through old memories is not for the weak.
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